Mom Guilt

There's something they don't tell you when you are dreaming about becoming a parent, and once you've figured it out, it's too late. You might think I'm talking about sleep deprivation, and that would certainly fit the description (there's something very overwhelming about knowing you haven't slept a full night in months, you're so tired that you're dizzy and can't think straight, and you could have another several years left of sleep deprivation). No, I'm talking about mom guilt. There is absolutely NOTHING that compares. Justin informs me that he has daddy guilt too. This guilt does not have to make logical sense, it doesn't have to have the slightest bit of truth or reality to it. But it overtakes you so much and it can bring you down faster than anything I know. It doesn't matter that I've been up with my children for days and nights on end... I know daddy is working and going to school 6 days a week and is just as exhuasted - therefore I can't leave him with 2 fussing babies in the wee hours of the morning while I indulge in sleep. After all, I am a full time stay at home mom. This is my job. Even if he gives me permission, regardless of how long I have been awake, it can take me two hours to shut my mind off to the guilt and finally actually sleep. We have gone through a couple week period where I was getting 45 min of sleep a day in 10-15 min increments, meanwhile my girls are screaming for 16 hours straight. You can't do anything to comfort them and you feel so bad. Then, in your exhaustion and frustration, you get angry - "just stop screaming for 10 minutes!!" And then it happens... she smiles up and you with this adorable look like "I'm sorry, Mommy. But I'm cute and it's all worth it."

I've had so many moments where I cannot seem to enjoy life because I feel so guilty. I'm afraid I'm not a good mom, that I will fail in ways I can't even begin to describe or comprehend. I have to just keep going back to the truth. I know in my heart that this is what I was born to do - it is my biggest dream in life to be a full time wife and mother. I will throw my whole being into it, knowing that God will fill in the gaps, and that He is enabling me and empowering me. I'm listening to uplifting songs that encourage me. I'm learning and growing. These sweet precious gifts have been entrusted in my care, and I have the most amazing God with me through each sleepless night, each fussy hour, each sweet smile, each precious memory. So thankful for these moments!