Blink!

Saturday mornings - the perfect day for sleeping in - until about 5:30!  As I stumbled in the frigid darkness of the new morning (let's face it, 60 degrees is cold to a Floridian) into the nearby nursery, I was greeted with the coos of my precious Alexis (aka "Lexie-loo") who had successfully rolled over and was now proudly "booty-tooching" her little long-johned bottom high into the air.    To reach this newly favored pose, my mini Houdini had obviously once again successfully performed her "escape from the evil swaddle blanket" trick.

Journeying into the living room, my baby girl quickly settled into my arms, gazing upward at my face with a look that can only be described as pure contentment and joy; her eyes connected with mine.  We re-swaddled and quickly, if not instantaneously, I saw a dreamy heaviness fall upon her eyelids.

Crisp white lights twinkled throughout our festively trimmed home. creating a soft, hazy glow amidst the remnants of the previous night.  As we swayed back and forth together, Daddy and daughter, a flood of emotion and realizations inundated my heart and mind.

I can't believe I'm here, right now...in this moment...under these circumstances! The very thing that my heart has hoped, prayed and waited for, for years on end is now my present - it's my reality!  I'm so thankful for the beauty of simple moments like this.

Alexis soon teetered on the edge of sleep within the comfort of my arms.  Intermittent smiles shown widely upon her perfect cheeks and delicate lips as gentle streams of vicious baby gas streamed from her (which shall heretofore be referred to as "Princess Puffs").

Wow - baby girl - you must get that from your mother!  [Gasping to regain composure and non-methane breathe, my mind raced to return back to the slightly less warm, yet equally fuzzy emotional epiphany].  I can't believe how big my girls are getting!  Every day their world grows larger and larger as new milestones are achieved.  Lexie phrases several syllable sounds, rolls over completely at any given opportunity and loves to play with her hands, feet and toys.  Sophia now belly laughs, fake coughs and is getting closer to sitting up on her own!  Where has the time gone?  They were just born - it feels as if I just blinked and we're here already!   

I've often vowed to myself in similar moments, "I will remember these moments for the rest of my life!"  Truth is, however, I sometimes forget when the last time I showered was amidst the craziness of new parenthood, work and school.  The numerous memories like the one created this morning, often and easily are clouded out by the new (or sadly, by the pressing and temporal issues or circumstances directly in front of me).   Hence, I am here, fiendishly typing away before it is soon Sophia's (aka "Sophie-soo") turn to make Saturday morning memories, in hopes of creating a written landmark of the blessing of these children in my life, commemorating the exceedingly, abundant provisions of God in granting me the privilege of Fathering these darling hearts.  May I never lose sight of the opportunity and charge that God has given me within my home; may my heart ever remain soft and tender, seizing every moment to create and capture these momentary, perpetual gifts from God - time with my children.

"See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,

 Redeeming the time, because the days are evil." (Ephesians 5:15-16)

Mom Guilt

There's something they don't tell you when you are dreaming about becoming a parent, and once you've figured it out, it's too late. You might think I'm talking about sleep deprivation, and that would certainly fit the description (there's something very overwhelming about knowing you haven't slept a full night in months, you're so tired that you're dizzy and can't think straight, and you could have another several years left of sleep deprivation). No, I'm talking about mom guilt. There is absolutely NOTHING that compares. Justin informs me that he has daddy guilt too. This guilt does not have to make logical sense, it doesn't have to have the slightest bit of truth or reality to it. But it overtakes you so much and it can bring you down faster than anything I know. It doesn't matter that I've been up with my children for days and nights on end... I know daddy is working and going to school 6 days a week and is just as exhuasted - therefore I can't leave him with 2 fussing babies in the wee hours of the morning while I indulge in sleep. After all, I am a full time stay at home mom. This is my job. Even if he gives me permission, regardless of how long I have been awake, it can take me two hours to shut my mind off to the guilt and finally actually sleep. We have gone through a couple week period where I was getting 45 min of sleep a day in 10-15 min increments, meanwhile my girls are screaming for 16 hours straight. You can't do anything to comfort them and you feel so bad. Then, in your exhaustion and frustration, you get angry - "just stop screaming for 10 minutes!!" And then it happens... she smiles up and you with this adorable look like "I'm sorry, Mommy. But I'm cute and it's all worth it."

I've had so many moments where I cannot seem to enjoy life because I feel so guilty. I'm afraid I'm not a good mom, that I will fail in ways I can't even begin to describe or comprehend. I have to just keep going back to the truth. I know in my heart that this is what I was born to do - it is my biggest dream in life to be a full time wife and mother. I will throw my whole being into it, knowing that God will fill in the gaps, and that He is enabling me and empowering me. I'm listening to uplifting songs that encourage me. I'm learning and growing. These sweet precious gifts have been entrusted in my care, and I have the most amazing God with me through each sleepless night, each fussy hour, each sweet smile, each precious memory. So thankful for these moments!

Perspective...

A couple days ago, I had a huge aha moment, and it startles me. Something I have always struggled with is my self-esteem, for lack of better terms. I grew up believing that I was too fat to have anyone truly love me or  be successful in life. Worse than that, I believed that I was a curse to the world around me. Having been a Christian since I was three years old, I would have told anyone else the truth from God's Word -- our Creator does not make mistakes and He made you. "I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Ps. 139:14). However, I did not believe this about myself. I chose to believe the lies of Satan for many years. I have been hurt an awful lot over the years by a number of individuals. I am a very sensitive person, and this is both my greatest strength and weakness. It is a weakness, as you can see, because I tend to take things too personally and think about things too much. However, it is also a great strength because I can often sense when someone is hurting long before others, and I often know what to do or say to help. I have a very tender heart toward all creatures.

Anyway, back to my aha moment. I realized that the way I view and value myself will most definitely be reflected in my girls' view of themselves! Yikes! I have such power to shape their little hearts and minds in so many ways. In every thing I do, say, and think, they will be watching me. What greater motivation to work on this issue that has haunted me throughout life. I have been working in that direction for several years now anyway, but I need to be more purposeful in my thought life. I need to focus on Scripture and "choose to listen to the voice of truth" as the Casting Crowns song says. I need a Bible-based understanding of who I am. We all have these insecurities, we all have downfalls and weaknesses. I am choosing to face those and work on them. I am choosing to focus on who I am in Christ! I am not perfect, and I make plenty of mistakes. But those who truly love me will overlook those in the spirit of love covering a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). I now have in my life exactly who I want to be there and who wants to be there. I do have many strengths and positives to offer this world, beginning with my family! I truly believe that ministry begins with your own family, then expands slowly to your church family and out into the world. But that is another post... I encourage you to also look to the Lord for how you are viewing yourself and your place in this world. <3

Cherish Every Moment

Nine whole days have passed since my sweet baby girls entered this world. I can hardly believe how quickly time is passing already, and I know that it will seem like nothing at all before they are grown and going out on their own to explore the world further. We have such precious little time with them, with this great privilege of parenting them. I am cherishing every little cuddle, cry, funny face, diaper change, picture, every moment and memory. Maybe it is the 7 years of waiting or perhaps it is the hormones, but I must confess I am a little down, knowing that time is passing quickly. But I must choose to focus on the many positives. I have been blessed beyond what I can verbally express with the sweetest, best little girls. I have been entrusted with the great privilege and responsibility of shaping two little lives and hearts. I know I will make many mistakes, but I pray and know that God will fill in those gaps with His amazing grace. 

I am reminded of some verses. Ephesians 5:15-21 "See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is... Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord. Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." We must choose to have purpose to each day, to live each moment to the fullest. We know not how many hours or minutes we have left in this world, and we must take advantage of each one. I find this very encouraging! This is not to say that you must fill up your calendar with to do's. On the contrary, busyness is often a hindrance to our walk with the Lord and all that He would have us do. Ministry takes place in so many forms - it starts in the home, with those closest to you, and then expands slowly. It is not necessarily found within church doors, although it can be that as well. I like to say, "Plan ahead, but be flexible." Have purpose and meaning and goals, but also take each moment as it comes. 

Well, as I type this, my girls are both beginning to toot, which is my cue that they will be waking up and wanting food soon. :) 

Lookout World, Here We Come!

Today we had our first grand adventure out of the house, as we saw the pediatrician for the first time. The girls were dressed adorably in their little outfits, which Sophia promptly spit up on. But Mommy anticipated this and brought several replacement outfits. Everything went great at the doctor's office, we are healthy and growing. Sophia weighs 7 lb 1 oz, Alexis weighs 6 lb 13 oz. We lost a few ounces our first few days in the hospital, but we were assured this is normal.

Shortly into the office visit, I realized that I had been so focused on getting the girls' things together, I never thought to bring my breast pump. I had planned on bottle feeding the girls so we wouldn't have to spend an hour or more in awkwardness, since we don't quite have the breastfeeding down to a science just yet. Yes, note to self: pack breast pump and extra clothes for myself as well! Soaked through several layers of clothing.

After seeing the doctor, Mommy needed to eat and get a few things, so we also ventured out to Target. Everyone cooed over us, especially when they realized there were two of us! In the middle of the store, Mommy heard Alexis grumbling tummy, indicating a dirty diaper. When we got out to the car, I laid her in the back of the van to change her. I have already learned to have everything ready, and to switch diapers quickly, since my girls have the unique knack of peeing as soon as the diaper is pulled out from under them. However, this changing was an experience I wasn't quite expecting. I no sooner pulled the diaper down and reached for the wipe when a loud "pppppttttttt" sounds erupted from Alexis' bottom side and out came squirts of diarrhea like a cannon. She has quite the power and aim, as she shot it all over me, the van, blankets, pillows she was laying on, EVERYTHING!! I couldn't really do anything but laugh, as a woman walking by said "I remember those days." I began wiping up the mess, but every few seconds she would toot and more would come shooting out. After half a container of wipes, we finally got a clean diaper on (but don't worry, that only lasted a few minutes). Let the laundry begin and thank God for bleach. :) Thankfully, this was at the end of our excursion and not the beginning. I also had a cami underneath my regular shirt, so I was able to take the shirt off and add to the growing bag of laundry to do.

I am so incredibly blessed by these two bundles of joy, and I am enjoying every moment - yes even the poop filled ones! I'm thankful that my sweet hubby works so hard to go to school and work to support his family, allowing me to be a stay at home mom. This has always been my dream, and I'm thankful for each precious memory. While we are still healing and getting the hang of things, I am cherishing each cuddle and experience, and looking forward to being able to help daddy a little more around the house. Life may not be perfect, but it's our wonderful life and I love it!

From Waddle To Swaddle

Pregnancy certainly was not what I had expected and dreamed. However, each complication and step along the way brought me closer to the Lord and my dear husband, who was the most supportive, loving man. I also learned many lessons, including patience, giving up control, allowing others to help me, and so much more. Every moment was training for this great adventure called motherhood! Now we are on the other side of pregnancy, in those first few precious days with our double blessings - so sweet, cuddly and beautiful. They are so precious, beyond any words I could ever use to try to describe them. I am amazed at the special bond I have already formed with each one. I love them more than I could have imagined, equally, yet in completely different ways. Sophia seems to have a gentle, sensitive spirit. Even as she cries, it is generally soft and sweet, and she is so patient in waiting if I am tending to her sister and can't get to her right away. Alexis is more the life of the party, surprisingly alert and responsive. She has the sweetest smile that can light up your heart in a nanosecond. Every struggle along the way has been worth just a few moments with my miracle babies!

It has been so neat to see our family and friends enjoy these two special treasures as well. My nephew, who is 2 1/2 years old, is curious but a bit hesitant. When asked if he wanted to kiss the babies, he said "Why?" But he now loves giving kisses and patting them on the back. He keeps peeking at them and pointing out his observations, including that they have eyes and lips, as well as his little running commentary, "Awwww, cute, beautiful, babies..." With Grandpa holding one baby, and his mom picking up the other, he lifted up the blanket in the pack-n-play and said "Babies? What happened?" He was apparently looking for more babies, convinced that we are a baby making factory. :) LOL! There will be many pictures and memories. It's a good thing we live in an age of digital cameras, otherwise we'd be spending a fortune in film development! We'll be sharing these precious moments along the way with you. So join us as we take off the most exciting journey of our lives!